


Milk and Honey

by hallahorns



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Kissing, Love Triangles, Past Relationship(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-08-18 12:12:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8161742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallahorns/pseuds/hallahorns
Summary: A bold Lion sits in the corner, admiring and cherishing a shy, but strong, free-willed little Elfroot leaf,  that dances in the wind and breezes through the sky.  But pasts can return and haunt, torment and interfere with a heart’s fire...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow wow finally, it's here! Welcome to the first chapter of my first ever fanfic, Milk and Honey! (Previously named My Awful Fanfic over on my ig) I hope you enjoy reading this first chapter! ♡

She sighed as she sat up, stretching her toes to touch the rough stone floor. Not wanting to dress properly for the day just yet, Thanephine gently pulled the throw out from under Jinx and loosely wrapped it over her shoulders. Jinx was the small tabby cat Thanephine had found in Haven, cornered by searing fire in a house when the town had been set ablaze. She remembered hearing a baby's cry, and instead, it had turned out to be her: a brown furry ball riddled with ash. Thanephine had scooped her up and handed the scrawny thing to Cole in the Chantry before the town had been buried. Something about him made her feel worthy to trust him. She was delighted to find once she had caught up with the survivors, that Cole had taken good care of her and had named her Jinx, "For she didn't bring the bad luck, she just happened to be caught in the middle. She is thankful for your kindness in the midst of it all."

Thanephine smiled at the little cat, who rested with her paws covering her eyes, seemingly unbothered by the icy wind washing through the room. One good thing in a world that is determined to become something terrible. She planted a small kiss on Jinx's head and waltzed toward the door. She needed a break. A walk along the battlements, watching the dawn break the sky with its colours.

Thanephine had only done this once or twice before, but she found it very soothing, able to calm her nerves. All of the people depending on her just became overwhelming sometimes. Seeing all those green cracks in the air spewing demons and abominations, and breaking people apart to become nothing but rotting heaps of blood and flesh and bone - So often she had this feeling, as though nothing she could do was right. Thanephine made her way down the steps, and it felt as though dark thoughts crept up to meet her. There wasn't anyone that she could save, all these people still continued to fight and die on her behalf. For every success that she brought, there was always something more. It made her quite upset most days, but she'd only had one minor breakdown so far. It was undoubtedly her most embarrassing moment to date.

* * *

The Iron Bull had had to loudly kick in the door to her quarters with the whole gang trudging behind him, simply because it was noon and she had refused to get out of bed. Everybody had rushed up the stairs, and Thanephine muffled her groan into her pillow in hearing the swarm that was about to reach her.

"Come on Boss, there are dragons out there!" Bull had leant down and boomed into her ears.

"Don't be so stubborn,' Cassandra had said, as everybody flocked to hover around her, 'Lying in bed all day will not help anyone."

"I don't think this will help her. Maybe it's all the 'helping people' she's been doing, and all the dragons out there that has driven her to imprison herself in her chambers?" Varric chimed in. And he was right. He was so right. As the cluster of people had continued to squabble behind her back, Thanephine had turned even more into her pillow, wet with tears. She missed her clan terribly. Every day she forgot another face that she had grown up with and some bland Orlesian noble replaced them. She quietly whimpered and brought up the blanket closer to her ears.

All of these people devoted themselves to being her friend, defended her in battle, educated her on their lives and the history of Thedas and yet not one of them were talking to her, worrying about her wellbeing or offering to find her family. She felt so alone in this room of people. So often she felt used, convinced if she let anything slip out about her true feelings she would be considered unfit and unfaithful in her actions. She just felt stuck.

"Shut up, all of you!" Cullen shouted, and the quarrelling came to an immediate halt. He pushed past Cassandra, swiftly crossed the room and knelt down in front of Thanephine, carefully studying the freckles on her nose.

"How are you feeling, Inquisitor?" He'd softly asked.

Thanephine had briefly glanced into his eyes, unsure of his genuineness, and let her eyes fall to the floor again.

"I can't continue lead these people." she had managed to squeak, and he surprised her, giving a faint smile in return, "You've been a doing a grand job so far, Thanephine."

Everybody in the room that day had been made to swear that it would never be spoken of again. Thanephine blushed in embarrassment just thinking about that afternoon. Varric had stood on the recliner and stated that if they weren't in the room for any business for the Inquisitor then they could politely get out, which evicted everyone except a select few and she had talked out her pains with them. Leliana and Josie had made her tea and brought biscuits from the kitchen, whilst Varric offered a few peeps into his newest chapter of Swords and Shields, which had made her laugh; Bull had left a big stick and told her she could always take her frustrations out on him, and gave her a wink before heading down the stairs; Cole intriguingly said he was already helping her, but it would surely take longer than a day; and Cullen didn't move an inch the whole time, silently studying her face, making himself a supportive presence.

* * *

Barefoot against the rigid cold stone of the hall, she quietly made her way past Varric, who was passed out on a table, hand still wrapped around an almost empty tankard from the previous night. They had all had a fair night of playing cards, sharing stories and of course, drinking each other under the table. Thanephine took the woven quilt from her shoulders and tucked it around Varric - even attempted to remove the tankard, although he grumbled slightly and she thought, 'Best not.'

The heavy door led her into Solas' lair, in which he was asleep in his chair, hand propping up his cheek. A stream of drool was sliding its way down his chin and arm and Thanephine bit her lip in attempting not to laugh. She sneaked her way to the far door, and slowly stepped out onto the stone bridge; the cold air nipped at her nostrils and flushed her cheeks. Thanephine loved seeing Skyhold from up here, so sleepy and covered in dew, the tops of the trees buttered with flecks of gold and amber.

She reached Cullen's door, and knowing how much of a light sleeper he was (despite the alcohol infused slumber his head surely must be swimming in) unlocked the door, and tried to push it open without letting the dry hinges groan. She slipped around, and closed it with a soft 'clunk' behind her. Gliding into the room, she ran her hands over the worn rungs of the ladder to the loft, and swiftly unbolted and opened the door to the battlements.

And there they were - the swaying mountains of the gods. The breeze was even cooler up here, but her body had already been left behind, mind tangling with the crisp air. Her soul ached to dance with the wind, spread its wings and twirl into the mountains, or even higher, up into the stars. She closed her eyes, her weight slowly returning to her feet. She was grounded. Maybe she would never fly. "Deep breaths." She sighed.

* * *

Cullen awoke with a start. His mind, still locked in a haze, had warped the clunk of the door shutting into a brisk beheading by abomination. His ears still rang. "But the door..." He murmured to himself, dragging his fingers down his face, stretching the skin around his eyes. Cullen wearily rose, wincing at the sting of the cold air as he threw the blanket off. It was better to be awake now, he thought. There was no use in attempting to fall sleep again. He'd only managed to fall asleep a measly three hours prior, and he was convinced the deep circles under his eyes could shout it to the world. The demons would never stop hunting him down, trying to manipulate his thoughts. He felt as though he were so much less than what the others saw of him, more of a fennec than a lion.

Head throbbing, arguing with himself that both fennec and lion are adorable, Cullen pulled on the matching cotton shirt to his breeches, and groggily made his way down the ladder. He noticed there was something warm in the air. It made the edges of his lips curl, his mind searching for that gracious scent of lavender and blueberries. Cullen quietly stumbled to the battlements door, and, realising it had been unlocked, opened it just enough to peer through.

And there she was. Her fair, rosy skin riddled with goosebumps; the curls of that golden hair softly brushing over her shoulder blades, pointed ears pushing through loose strands to greet the dawning sun. How could she not see her worth? To the Inquisition? To him? Ever since she shyly greeted him on that day in Haven, he knew she was more than what lay behind her nervous front. She was strong, a lioness, always knowing the best decision for a situation. Making changes that no other could, or would dare to suggest. People respected her, even when she was terrified of ordering them. Sometimes, late at night, he would think about her being buried under Haven, dying alone in the cold, suffocating under the snow and ice; convinced there could never have been another way. Giving herself for his measly life, as well as hundreds of others. He couldn't bear the thought. Nor the thought of the polite arguments they had made, regarding supporting the Mages or the Templars. He had felt embarrassed for a month after reaching Skyhold, but had sent at least a dozen letters to her quarters in apology, and to let her know she had his full attention. She had made it clear to him that the twelve letters were not necessary, and that as the scout had delivered the very first letter to her she had already understood his feeling on the matter and accepted his countless apologies. And ever since, they had maintained a fantastic friendship.

Yet, he had such a fascination for her. It might even go beyond friendship or the simple notion of respect but, she was the Inquisitor. He had never felt so conflicted. He watched from the crack as she stood, gazing upon the mountains in a plain white slip that fell to just above her knees, and Cullen swallowed thickly at the sight, averting his eyes. "Stop looking, for god's sakes man," he scolded himself and turned back, into the room.

* * *

"I thought you might like this." Thanephine heard the Commander's husky voice from her right, and she spun to see Cullen coming towards her, a nervous, yet almost cocky, crooked smile playing on his lips. He was carrying his larger, furred mantle in his hands, holding it out to her.

"Commander-"

"Are we really not on first name terms, Thanephine?" He jokingly interrupted.

"...Cullen, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, I tried to be quiet, I know you're a light sleeper-" Thanephine stumbled over her words.

"It’s quite alright.' He smiled warmly. 'It was a nightmare, and to be honest I appreciate you waking me from it."

"I'm still sorry." She frowned, and gazed back out to the mountains. Cullen draped the warm mane around her, tucking it into her neck, and leant against the rock wall opposite her. The mane had been made for him especially for the snow, and although it attached to his normal armour it came down to his lower back, restricting his movement, so he often took to wearing it curled up in bed, reading, instead. She looked so small, overwhelmed in the giant fur and he couldn't help but grin in amusement at the sight.

"Thank you." Thanephine smiled, and upon seeing his goofy grin, asked, "Do I really look that ridiculous?" Cullen chuckled, gazing down at his bare feet. He didn’t want to admit exactly the words of how she looked to him, nestled in his mantle.

"Why are you out here, this early?" he asked.

Thanephine sighed once again, facing the stark view.

"I've only come out here a few times. Fortunately, I don't think I've woken you each time." The Commander blushed, and intently studied her calves.

She, in fact, had woken him the past times, and he would use the time to practice what he'd wanted to say to her in the small cracked mirror of his loft. 'Inquisitor, I have a confession.' he would start, 'I am completely in love with you. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, I know, and I would never want to change this friendship that we have now, but I want this, I want you, your essence and soul, and- "It’s been on my mind for so long now..." Cullen mumbled, and Thanephine turned to see his ears redden ever so quickly.

"And what is that, Cullen?" She smiled faintly.

He stared at her in pure horror. Had he really blurted that out? Just then? Maker's breath! "I um...I just...it’s very...beautiful, out here. Clears your head. The cold. I suppose. Did you...did you only start coming here since-"

"That day." Thanephine wearily finished, her eyes fixated on the laces of his shirt.

"I thought we had made a pact, Commander."

"I just couldn't stand seeing you that upset, Inquisitor. That afternoon. I had to know...have, to know, if you're alright. If you keep coming here I can only assume it's...getting worse."

Thanephine searched his face for an answer. She didn’t feel as bad as she had at other times, but the visits to the battlements were becoming more frequent.

"Often when I come here, I bring parchment, left over from reports and I...I like to draw and paint, and there's nothing more beautiful than the sky. It forever changes, forever constant. Sometimes a big green hole rips itself into it.” She giggled, and he chuckled in return.

"You like to draw? I never knew."

"You would never have known if I hadn't of told you,' she replied shyly, 'I don't like to show people. It's not astoundingly good."

"Now, I highly doubt that. I think it takes a certain someone to see such beauty in a world such as this.' They locked eyes for a moment, and she smiled at the compliment. 'You must show me some time. It is such a talent I've always admired, although all I ever manage to draw are stick figures that are supposed to resemble our scouts."

"Cullen, I doubt it's any talent I have when my drawings of the sky probably resemble ones of your stickmen." He chuckled heartily, shaking his head.

Wanting to break the circle of modesty, he asked, "Yet there is no parchment today?"

She closed her eyes, and spoke so quietly, he thought the wind might just steal the words that escaped her lips, "No. I just needed this dawn to think."

He paused, not quite sure whether to ask the one question that had been lingering in his mind for weeks. Was this the right time at all? When would even be a good time? He might just be caring too much. But wasn't that a good thing? He decidedly took a step closer to her, almost closing the space between them. She looked up at him, those eyes that made him feel like the waves of the Storm Coast were flooding through his veins as they met, her lips parted in what seemed to be a small bit of shock at their closeness.

"I must ask,' his voice rumbled softly, "I must ask how you are. Properly. Ever since that day I can't...' his eyes wandered out to the mountains, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as he felt himself slouch lower against the wall, 'I can't help but...worry, worry about...about you." He stumbled, finally looking back into her eyes.

He remembered finding her body after Haven had been buried, her skin bruised violet and green, riddled with a deep scarlet tone from the frost. He had been so afraid she would never make it to them, hours of pacing and barking at scouts that had kept delivering the same repetitive, discouraging news. There were no signs of survivors. His eyes had ached, raw and stinging; his head and heart screamed her name into the dense fog. Cassandra and Leliana had followed him through the blizzard; their calls for her whipped away by the bite of the wind. And finally, he saw it. The faintest green glow in the distance. He bolted to her, his legs struggling through the snow as he watched the light fade; the dark silhouette of her body sink to its knees. Cullen would never forgive himself for allowing her to become a sacrifice. He knew he should have stopped her - he would've done anything to protect her if he had thought for a second this would be the outcome.

Pacing outside the healer's tent as she had slept, he made so many silent vows to her - so many more vows than it had taken to make him a Templar. He wanted nothing more but to protect her for as long as he was able, how ever he was able. That memory of finding her bruised, bleeding, withered body made his throat swell, and he swallowed the image thickly. Thanephine took this as an uncomfortable gulp, and she sighed shortly through her nose for not replying quicker.

"I do try to stay calm, but I...I'm not from here. I've never seen so many humans in my life. Nice ones, at least. I've barely grasped the concept to even understand who Andraste is and yet they praise me on her behalf, as though I am her prophet. I can feel such a weight on my shoulders, and I just willingly keep piling it on without question just because I'm stupid enough to care about every one of these lives."

"That's courage, Thanephine. That’s more than any of us can say here. You have such devotion to this cause that was thrust upon you and you just took it because...well, why not? You want to make this world better for everyone. I've never respected anyone greater."

She met him with a confused expression, "Isn't it what anyone else would do?"

"No.' He smirked, 'And it is brilliant."

"Maybe that's my problem. Why I must keep coming here. Maybe I'm too brilliant!" She laughed breathlessly.

"Are you not able to see that in yourself?" He asked her, a most sudden, serious expression lining his features.

"I think...I think if you want, pure honesty...' She looked at him questioningly, and he simply nodded with a furrowed brow in return, 'then that is what brings me down. I feel as though...like I am on the very edge of something so brilliant. Everybody here is so affectionate and together, part of a family type situation here, and yet I don't...I do not feel a part of it. I want to put effort into this cause so that people can know they are cared for, that they are appreciated and accepted, no matter race or gender or faction but I feel...I feel no affection in my actions. I don't want any thanks or praise I...I need someone that cares about me, personally. Friends that don't just barge into one another's rooms and demands a dragon be slain," she smiled and sniffed, rubbing one watering eye with her wrist.

Cullen didn't know what to do. Whether a sympathetic smile would suffice or his rough warrior's hands stroking her hair would soothe her. Thanephine sighed and lay her head on the rock wall, gazing past Cullen.

"I feel so incredibly young being here, yet old in how tired I quickly become." She paused, and in the few minutes that passed, her composed expression began to break; her ears sprinkled with pink blotches, her eyes reddened and watered.

"Thanephine..." Cullen said softly, and she blurted, "I had a baby sister once. Papa passed when Mamae was still with her, and Mamae passed on as she was born. I named her. I cared for her and I raised her as best as I could, she was ever so gorgeous and bright and strong, ever so strong."

Thanephine felt her cold tears rolling down her neck, although she grinned and gasped at the memories that flashed before her, breath sticking in her throat, 'I was only eleven or so when she was brought into the world. Looking back I...I don’t know how I did it. Our clan was big, but there were only a few other women to help and she... She grew so, so impossibly fast. She loved Papa's bow, and I remember her sixth birthday I had brought enough ironbark for our crafter, Bragan, to specially carve one for her. I taught her everything. I'd only started learning a year before she was born. I barely knew anything about bows. But she loved them. And so I learnt, so I could teach her. But she never liked hunting. She couldn't bear the thought. Killing helpless animals. No matter how many times our Keeper tried to convince her that praying to the gods would forgive her, she couldn't do it. I suppose she got that from me,' Thanephine laughed breathily, attempting to halt the flood of emotions creeping up the back of her throat.

She felt her words bubble at the sides, sometimes overlap and she wondered if she even made sense to Cullen. If he even cared about the blubbering mess before him.

"We'd been travelling to a new clearing with our group - they preferred us to split up for safety, you see. And it was her eighth name day. I made sure to wake early so I could make her breakfast. The sun hadn't even risen yet, but I'd found her favourite berries when we had set up for the night so I- I thought I'd get some for her to cheer her up a bit since she hated travelling and it was her name day but I was so pathetically stupid and I should never have left her, not alone, not like that but..'

Cullen inched closer to her, tenderly placing a hand on the mane, and he looked her in the eyes so solemnly; he wished he could say something, anything to ease her pain. Her voice cracked as she continued, breathing out her shuddering, "I heard so many screams, pleas, and I ran back as fast as I could and they were...those five of them I'd known all my life just gone and...I thought she might've escaped, she was so fast, incredibly quick but there...To my right she- she was there, gasping so heavily, she had tried to find me, go after me but her...her clothes were ripped to shreds and blood stained her body everywhere, her hair all tangled she kept gasping and all I could do was let her die...watch her die in my arms…her small body had been so...so used and...And all she kept saying was sorry, sorry, so, so sorry and I...I couldn't do-"

Cullen scooped her into the biggest hug he could manage with all the fur that was around her. He let her sob into his shirt, her fingers clutching at the back of it. He gently leant his head onto hers, pulling her close, letting himself be her comfort, cradling her. One hand softly held the back of her head, fingers tangling themselves in her hair and the other around what he could only guess was her waist.

She mumbled into his shirt, "I cared so much for her until the very end. I still...I still care about her. She was all I had and...Where can I find that now? That comfort in someone else? I'm so...scared of dying alone and uncared for and I...I am so scared that she died thinking she was unloved and I...I just..." Cullen stroked her hair a few more times, ignoring the blush flooding his cheeks and the heart hammering in his chest.

Softly, he spoke into her hair, "Thanephine, if it’s alright with you I...I would want to be that affection. I want to be here for you. I promise you that."

Cullen felt her fingers grab at his shirt a little tighter and breathed out a long, shaky sigh. He dragged his fingers through her curls, mindlessly weaving the long strands together. Thanephine carefully released herself from his cradle, but still leant her wet cheek against his chest, watching the purples and pinks intertwine in the sky. He felt her nod ever so slightly under his chin, and he could have sworn he heard her whisper, "Yes. Please."

The whistling wind made them both shiver but he didn't want to move. Not from this moment. He'd made a promise.

"What was her name?" he asked gently.

"Eveliene." She whispered.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

His face was beautiful, and she knew her words had gone beyond the reach of her own voice. She couldn't say what she was feeling. Not properly. And it burnt her inside, a dry scratching in her throat. She could never be enough for him. He commanded her armies, made men of stone believe in her, and yet she felt like all she did was weep all day, take long walks and try to convince herself that a male human could ever fall in love with a young elven girl. And not the type of love that only lasted a naked night.

That embrace on the battlements humiliated her to the core. Cullen had only done what anyone else would do in that situation, right? If she'd blubbered off like that in front of Josie or Bull or even Sera, would they not have the same reaction?

"They'd have to comfort me, or it'd be odd..." She muttered, and once again scolded herself for her ridiculous behaviour with the Commander. And yet, he _had_ made a promise to her. It wasn't something she wished to argue with – rather, she was intrigued to see what may come of it.

* * *

Sunday breakfast was one of Josephine's favourite meals to arrange, and this morning was no exception. The Antivan Ambassador always tried to make it enjoyable; hearty and filling for the soldiers, but not over-budget. The tables were stacked high with delicate Orlesian pastries oozing jam and chocolate, large pots of porridge bubbled with raisins, brown sugar and apple chunks, scrambled eggs still sizzled in their pans and steaming fruit pies sat waiting to be gobbled.

Even though months had rushed by with her authority as the Inquisitor, Thanephine still wasn't quite used to the overwhelming meals Josie prepared - especially for the so-called important occasion of 'Sunday Breakfast.'

She averted her gaze from the heap of food to Cullen at the end of the hall table, but was barely able to see him with Varric and Sera surrounding him, talking in hushed whispers; seemingly interrogating or making bets with him. Truth or dare, probably. It was one of their favourite games to unleash on the unwilling. Varric had the biggest smirk that pulled his cheeks, and occasionally used a long fork to mountain more food onto Cullen's full plate. Her ears pricked up to hear Sera's shrill laugh that caused Cullen to sigh and cup his forehead into his hands. Finally, they loosened their grasp on him to let him eat the enormous meal before him.

He stole a quick glance at Thanephine for the first time throughout all of breakfast, peering between his fingers. And then, as his ears had reached the reddest Thanephine had thought was ever possible, he stood, planted his palms down either side of his plate, and bellowed, "THIRTY SEVEN!" down the table, with his eyes still locked on hers.

The room immediately fell to silence. The fire crackling in the braziers and a soft sizzling from the eggs were the only noise that dared be made. He then calmly re-seated himself and told both Sera and Varric to shut up, in what he had most likely thought had been a whisper.

Thanephine blinked in shock at his outburst, as did the rest of the hall, and picked her spoon from halfway across the table where she had tossed it in fright. Sera erupted into a fit of giggles that started a whole wave of laughter breaking throughout the room and Thanephine felt her own ears becoming tinted with pink, feeling somewhat more self-conscious.

Plucking a pastry from the table and quietly excusing herself, she looked over to a chuckling Varric, who cleared his throat and stared at his plate in response, and she made her way to the front stairs of the hold. Thanephine was still trying to handle the teasing, the whispers, the laughter and talk behind her back about her 'knife ears' and how could an elf be the leader of the Inquisition, and honestly, she felt a little hurt by Varric, but mostly, now, from Cullen. Sera could pull pranks but Thanephine never thought utter humiliation could be that funny to her, especially since she thought they were friends.

She had barely settled into the title of Inquisitor but, even so, they felt it appropriate to embarrass her at the breakfast table. The breakfast table. Oh. She still had the rest of the day to cope with yet. "What more can go wrong...?” She muttered, and decided to pay a visit to Blackwall instead of getting fitted.

Changing direction and heading for the stairs down to the stables, Thanephine still couldn't help but wonder. Thirty-seven? Probably the number of times Cullen re-waxes his hair throughout the day, she snorted to herself.

* * *

Snow was lightly falling as Thanephine made her way to the southern side of Skyhold. Blackwall didn't eat breakfast with the bulk of the company unless there was an important meeting, and he'd assured her more than a few times he preferred it that way. "Less eyes on me wolfing down me food is a gift for everyone. I remember better what I'm fighting for with a simpler breakfast by myself anyway," He'd say - probably trying to sound more impressive - yet he was often slurping on porridge or munching on dried seeded bread dipped in honey ale, and he could be seen picking most of the meal from his beard when they were out in the field.  
  
She ate with him often though, on mornings such as these, where she couldn't bear the hurried bustling about of the main hall and all the giggles and whispers that wee meant to be heard. Thanephine could relax, sink into the hay bales and let the jam and chocolate trickle down her chin.  
  
"Knock knock?" She called out.  
  
"Inquisitor? I wasn't expectin' you this morning." He replied from the far corner, "Isn't it Sunday Breakfast?"  
  
"Yes, well, I could hardly exclude you from the feast now could I?" She grinned as she strolled over to him. Blackwall was hunched over a wooden bowl, hay speckled all over his clothes. Thanephine leant back into the bales facing him and unwrapped her pastry from a cloth napkin.  
  
"And what are you contributing to our feast?" She asked playfully. He held up his bowl and loudly exclaimed, "The remains of cold plum pie, for my Lady Inquisitor!"  
  
"Why thank you, my dear!' She chuckled, 'I'll swap you for the last little bit eh?" And she held half her pastry out to him. He took it gracefully and they both continued eating.  
  
Blackwall somehow always knew when to ask about Thanephine's problems and when to let them rest. When she needed a friend to just be there for her, and when she needed one to talk things through with. It was why she liked visiting him so much, such as this morning. Blackwall had seemed surprised upon first meeting her that she was Dalish, but had left it at that, and had mentioned since how much he admired and respected her. So, she couldn't understand why her Inquisition kept barraging her, poking fun behind her back and more noticeably in front.  
  
Especially Varric, Sera and Cullen. At the breakfast table. In front of everyone. No friends of hers had ever done anything like that before, apart from maybe Solas who sounded like a preacher, with all the, "the Dalish are wrong," tosh, that made her feel horrible for ever being born with pointed ears.  
  
It felt so degrading to be embarrassed like that by the Commander. The one that had wrapped his mane around her shoulders on the battlements. Who had watched the dawn rise with her. And the one she had trusted and confided in with the story of her sister.  
  
Thanephine hadn't realised until Blackwall asked, "What's the matter?" that she had sighed for a third time already.  
  
"I just...I've been feeling so...lost. I don't understand how the Inquisition can be doing so well when it is so clear that many of our men despise me."  
  
"Despise you? Andraste's tits they don't like yer. You have all of their respect Thanephine. I haven't heard one word in the barracks sayin' they don' like you."  
  
Thanephine took a moment to finish her pastry. She could still hear them; it was those moments and those voices she remembered late at night that would make her toss and turn in embarrassment.  
"That's her! I can't believe it would be...her."  
"She must be so embarrassed."  
"Imagine looking like that, you think she'd _know_ by now."  
  
The things she'd heard, it was so plainly obvious to her. Why could nobody else see that?  
She rubbed her cheek against her shoulder, "Really? Because-"  
  
"I swear to you. They wouldn't dare laugh at the most powerful woman in Thedas. You command them, remember? You could have each of their heads on a pike if you wanted, and they know that too."  
  
Thanephine laughed, "I bet that’s a treat in Orlais! Head on a stick."  
  
"Sounds more like the nightly entertainment." Blackwall chuckled and Thanephine groaned and rolled her eyes.  
  
"Inquisitor? Are you in here?" A shaky voice scratched from outside the barn. Thanephine gave Blackwall a faint smile, along with a nod and made her way around the table.

"I'm so sorry, I've been looking everywhere, even in the prison, and-' Cullen puffed, and looked her solemnly in the eyes, 'May I have a moment?"

* * *

"I'm not angry," Thanephine said, tiredly looking up into his amber eyes.  
  
He only met hers for a moment before turning his gaze away. He still felt mortified from his outburst, his head throbbing from all the attention it gained him in those few minutes. "You have every right to be. I...I can't apologise enough to you."  
  
"It just startled me. And confused me. It wasn't like you."

"It was a stupid, stupid bet. I should never have taken it. I embarrassed myself and interrupted a pleasant meal for us both. All, in fact." He sighed through his nose and sternly studied the ground. He was furious with himself and didn't dare meet her eye again, for fear of flustering himself further.  


"A bet? It must have been a good one for you to scream at the room."

Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose and grumbled, "Did you wish to hear how ridiculous it was?"

Thanephine smiled ever so slightly at his grouchy front, "Go on then, enlighten me."

  
He sighed heavily and looked back at Blackwall in the barn. What had they been discussing? He didn’t know the Warden and Inquisitor were such good friends. It was the first place she went to when she could have been in his office; waiting to yell at him for his behaviour, or in her quarters working on the stack of papers that easily built itself throughout the week. Why here? Why…with him? Surely they were merely friends?  
  
Thanephine patiently folded her arms across her chest and Cullen’s gaze drifted back to the situation.  
  
"I have been searching for a blade sharpener, ever since we arrived in Skyhold. For my razor, to shave, I mean.' He added in response to her confused frown. 'I was in the tavern a few nights ago, asking our scouts and soldiers, and even Master Dennet if they happened to have one spare and Varric called me over. He bought me a few drinks...uh, quite a number of drinks and, well...promised me a brand new one if...if I were to shout a simple...remark I had made to him - in confidence, I might add,' Cullen shook his head, 'And I cannot believe I made the bet at all. The next morning I could barely remember our conversation. But, with our lack of financial aid thus far and I...didn't want to carry on making a fool of myself using the big slab in the forge I...I was too afraid to ask-"  
  
"And too afraid to have a beard as long as Blackwall's?" Thanephine whispered and Cullen lightly chuckled in response. "Quite."  
  
"But...Thirty-seven? It isn't exactly a remark. It’s more of an..."  
  
"An answer?' He finished her sentence and sighed, 'Must I explain?' He whined.  
  
"It would aid my growing curiosity."  
  
Cullen groaned and leant away, his hands nervously balling into small fists and quickly releasing.  
  
"He wanted to know if what the soldiers talked about were true. He spends a lot of time in the tavern, as do our troops when they're off duty, and he'd overheard a few things they'd been...er, currently discussing. You...you must know what I mean. I'm sure you've heard the whispers..." Cullen calloused fingers fidgeted, even more, avoiding her eyes as much as he could.  
  
And Thanephine grew even more confused by the second. The only whispers she'd heard was giggling, those darted looks between soldiers and scouts at the dinner table, and eyes always peering at her from around a corner, where they surely believed they could not be seen. The notion of having an Elven leader seemed most amusing to a great number of them, and although Blackwall had plainly denied their intentions, Thanephine couldn't think of what else Cullen must be speaking of.  
  
She furrowed her brow in thought, "Rumours about me? They're not exactly rumours. I think it's supposed to be amusing."  
  
It was Cullen's turn to frown, "It is just barrack talk, banter. It is somewhat understandable but lately, I feel it has gone a tad overboard."  
  
Thanephine was completely taken aback at this reply. She could feel dull yellow pangs throbbing in her temples. She realised Cullen also thought it was overwhelming, but that first part? Her voice became uncontrollable in annoyance, raising it to a level she thought had been locked away for eternity, "'Somewhat understandable,' Commander?! This 'playful banter' about my heritage is 'somewhat understandable' to you?! You think our soldiers speaking behind my back, or spying on me or plain laughing at their Inquisitor, I mean the things I hear these people say...and even you! Now! Pala fenedhis!' She cursed, her anger quietly becoming replaced with a cold twinge of fear in her stomach.  
  
Fear, and sadness.  
  
He seemed lost for words, watching her sink back onto the heels of her feet. 'What about this morning, Cullen, watching the sun rise together? You said...you made a promise to me. I thought you were sincere but now I am...am I just a joke to you as well? Am I some wild creature to giggle about with your soldiers in the barracks? They laugh about me enough without having you to guide them!' Thanephine's hands trembled at her sides.  
  
She had never defended herself with her words like this before. In the past, she had made attempts, but she had always become squashed. Pushed. Pinned down. Suffocated. In this moment, it frightened her to bits. This was a freedom she should not have. These words were so raw; she felt them fall out of her mouth before she'd had time to even process them.  
  
'If...If I mean nothing to you then please leave me alone. Just be the Commander to this Inquisition. Why did I think it was fine to believe you, to...tell you about my sister at all? To tell you anything…I should never have..." She turned to leave, blinking away hot tears that threatened to give.  


"Whoa wait, Thanephine, stop. Please, I must...I need to explain.' He spoke, but she didn't budge.  
  
He sighed shakily, so afraid and lost in translation. His brow was furrowed, planning his words more strategically.  
  
  
"I could've handled this entirely differently, I agree. I...I haven't been hard enough on the troops. But I need you to know in no such way do they dare make fun of this powerful woman before me that commands them. There is no such teasing on your heritage, Thanephine. They...if you must know - the whispering are...they often tease me about their suspicions on my...my feelings for you. And obviously it has come across the wrong way and I apologise for not...cleaning up their act sooner.'  
  
Cullen briefly glanced at her, but she was studying the dry grass in front of her, watching the snowflakes layer upon it. Her ears twitched, and Cullen hoped it was a small sign she believed his words.  
  
'You have never been any sort of joke to me. That regrettable bet I made was never to embarrass you in the slightest, and in all seriousness I...I would like to watch more sunrises together. Or sunsets. Just be with you or, even for you..." He rubbed the back of his neck as his eyes fell to the ground too, hot red flush welling up in his cheeks. 'I couldn't have been more sincere, and I'm sorry that every one of our soldiers knows that I am. But I meant it, Thanephine. I care about you. I want to be there for you, for every moment that you need someone. I want you to be happy. To feel loved and cared for. And appreciated."

"You don't have to, Cullen." She turned ever so slightly to look back at him. Thanephine's eyelids were dropped, almost as though her body beckoned for her to give up entirely. She was tired of this.  
  
"I know that. It is what I want for you. I know that you need someone that cares for you. And I fully understand your distrust in me after that outburst but I...I want to do anything to make that right. To make us right. I meant, ah, you and I, not...ah..." His hand flew to the back of his neck and his eyes darted everywhere but at her.  
  
She rubbed her eyes and breathed a long sigh of warm steam. Sniffing, she raised her head and ran her fingers through the roots of her fiery hair, and turned to look at him with her reddened eyes. His heart jolted. This look that adorned her; He never wanted to make her upset again.  
  
"And what is thirty-seven?" she asked, her voice cracked and rough. Was this forgiveness? Trust? Her lips curled at the edges and he could tell she was amused - probably by his flustered manner.  
  
He grinned ever so slightly and took a step closer to her, "It sounds ridiculous, but, it is an important number to me."  
  
"Is it how old you really are?" Thanephine scrunched her nose and Cullen chuckled, shaking his head.  
"Thirty seven of the same thing, and I love each and every one of them. I'd kiss them, if they so allowed it."  
  
Thanephine stepped closer to him, and whispered in his ear, "Secret wives?" This won her another eruption of laughter.  
  
"Tell me! If you dare so scream it into the void of Sunday Breakfast why not say?" She stamped her foot, crossing her arms and sulkily pouting like a child.  
  
"Are you sure you wish to know? It could be alarming, Inquisitor. You may get the faints."  
  
"Culleeeeen!" Thanephine whined, and Cullen smirked at her adorable frustration. He took a step closer to her, tucking a loose strand of her wavy golden hair behind her ear, and pushed his lips so close to her ear she could feel them brush against her as his voice rumbled the words, "It is the number of freckles sprinkled over your nose."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter is finally here! I'm so sorry I didn't upload it sooner! The third chapter is almost ready and I plan to have it out later this month ♡  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving comments and kudos! It means so much to me ♡  
> Feel free to search me up on Instagram under the same name (hallahorns) to see pieces of the future chapters before they're up, as well as art and generally know me a little better if you'd like!

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhh the first chapter! Since this is my first fanfiction con/crit is appreciated c: I hope you enjoyed! I will get the second chapter up here in a matter of days ♡ Feel free to search me up on Instagram under the same name (hallahorns) to see pieces of the future chapters before they're up, as well as art and generally know me a little better if you'd like!


End file.
